Companioning the Bereaved

Companioning the Bereaved

January 6, 2015

I had the privilege of attending a grief seminar put on by Alan Wolfelt.  I wanted to share his 11 tenants of companioning the bereaved that I found to be profound teachings:

• Companioning is about honoring the spirit; it is not about focusing on intellect.

• Companioning is about curiosity; it is not about expertise.

• Companioning is about learning from others, it is not about teaching.

• Companioning is about walking alongside; it is not about leading or being led.

• Companioning is about being still; it is not about frantic movement forward.

• Companioning is about discovering the gifts of sacred silence it is not about a f
  illing every painful moment with talk.

• Companioning is about listening with the heart. It is not about analyzing with the head.

• Companioning is about bearing witness to the struggles of others; it is not about judging or directing those struggles.

• Companioning is about being present to another person’s pain; it is not about taking away or relieving the pain.

• Companioning is about respecting disorder and confusion; it is not about imposing order and logic.

• Companioning is about going to the wilderness of the soul with another human being; it is not about thinking you are responsible for finding the way out.

If we are going to come alongside those who are mourning, these principals are critical in their healing process.

• For more articles by Alan Wolfelt visit www.griefhealingblog.com

My Boy Would Have Been 18

My Boy Would Have Been 18

January 13, 2015

Zachary Laird January 13 1997-May 2 2010

Each year, you would think it would get easier, but it doesn't.  Zach's birthday is always so hard.  We are remembering him today by going to Montanas for ribs and then watching Natcho Libre starring Jack Black, two of Zach's favourite things to do.  I woke up this morning to a homemade card from Doug, with Legos glued all over it.  At the top were the words, "Heaven's Master Builder."  Zach lived to build Lego creations, so Doug's token of love meant the world to me.  My best friend Katherine sent me a text this morning that was so very precioius.  She wrote, "A couple of days ago I was thinking about Zach's birthday and Jesus gave me a word-picture for you:  it was of Zach taking a selfie of he and Jesus together laughing.  Zach seemed to be saying, 'Hi Mom!  Look at me and Jesus hanging out in heaven.'  He seemed so happy and wanted you to know all is well."  So, I smile at the thought of him taking a selfie with Jesus and of him being a master builder in heaven.  Loving thoughts have flooded in on facebook from family and friends and I breathe easier today because I know people have not forgotten my precious boy.  Thank you to all who have lifted my sad heart.  Your love has broken our fall.

As always God's kindness breaks through the dark.  As I listened to the album "Zion" by Hillsong United, God's relentless love spoke words of healing and life. The lyrics of songs comforted:  

• "My love tears through the darkness"
• "I will carry you"
• "Death where is your sting?"
• "You can rest in my embrace"
• "Heaven's story breathes life into your bones"
• "My love will be your companion in this war against your pain"
• "My love is brighter than the sun, more beautiful than words can ever say"
• "My glory will break through the dark"

I felt the closeness of God and the warmth of his love, a knowing that he would walk with us through tears and laughter as we fondly remember the 13 years we were blessed to spend with Zach.

Teaching Children to Find Beauty in the Ordinary

By Dana Goodman

How to teach children to be mindful

In order for children to live happier lives, we must teach them the value of being mindful. On adventures to the grocery store, have them share what they hear, smell, feel and taste. Rather than rushing through the shopping experience, slow down and ask them questions to open up their senses to the world around them.

When you are giving them a snack, have them smell it, feel it and taste it. Allow them to chew slowly and share their experience. On outings, slow down. Perhaps take a camera with you and have them take photos of what they think is beautiful and allow them to make their own scrapbook of beauty. Take an easel and a picnic and allow them to paint what they see.

Their beautiful minds are growing so fast and in order for them to develop as they should, they need to soak in the wonders around them.

As adults, we often forget to be mindful and rush to get it all done. But when we breathe, notice, and enjoy simple things, we can model a life skill that is fundamental for their emotional health.

Keep a gratitude journal and have your children keep one as well. As an example, here is one of my own "enjoy simple things" entries:

1. Sun reflecting off water

2. Children's paintings

3. duvet covers

4. Vases filled with flowers

5. Ducks on ponds

6. Sunshine after rain

7. Bees searching for nectar

8. The smell of lilacs

9. Tufts of golden grass blowing in the wind

10. Sweating after a hard workout

11. Waffle ice cream cones

12. Kids with bed-head

13. Hot tea warming my hands on the cup

14. Flowing mountain bike trails

15. Rocks on the bottom of clear ponds

16. BBQ smells in summer

17. Sound of rain through open windows

18. Warm summer nights

Encourage your children to draw or write about special things they notice in their day and then invite them to share their discoveries with you before going to bed. They love it when you also share yours. Connect with your children every opportunity that you can and enjoy life discovering beauty.

Author of In the Cleft: Joy Comes in the Mourning now available at Amazon and Barnes and Noble

Source: Photo by Dana Goodman

Don't Let Fear Run Your Life

By Dana Goodman

Love

Love is the most powerful thing in the universe. It covers over wrongs, finds the treasure in people, and makes people want to be better people. When our children do something wrong we must connect with them before we correct their behaviour. Correcting behaviour cannot come at the cost of relationship. Even if our children do something outrageous, we must first tell them something like, "I know your character, and you are too good to be (fill in the blank). That way, they feel loved, yet know their behaviour is inappropriate. After this, invite them to brainstorm ways to correct the problem. Just punishing behaviour does not lead to correction. It just makes them better at not getting caught. We have to correct in a way that leads to intrinsic changes in behaviour. One of the best books I used with my children when they were younger was The Family Virtues Guide.We would sit down together and study a virtue each week.

Faith vs Fear

Hebrews 11:1 says, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Faith and hope are tied together. Both have to do with unseen realities. Faith says that we trust God has great plans for our children and our lives. Faith promises that God will direct our paths with his wisdom and love. Faith is letting go of fear so life can be lived fully and richly. When our lives are preoccupied with fear, there is no room for mistakes, uncertainty or any messiness whatsoever. Fear chokes out life. Faith is not dependant on anything you or I must do because God knows we will inevitably mess up. Faith means we trust that God wants the best for our children, so when we bring them to him during their struggles and challenges, he touches their hearts and lives so they can go on to fulfill his wonderful plans in their lives. Just like God is merciful to us when we make mistakes, we too must be merciful to our children.

Keep Your Love On by Danny Silk

Danny Silk advocates establishing a household of honour. I love his quote in his book Keep Your Love On, "Honour allows us to keep high levels of value for and faith in people, even when they demonstrate how different they are and when they make mistakes. Typically, people allow differences and mistakes to lower their respect and value for other people. But you know the pillar of honour is strong in a relationship when you can look at the other person and say, 'You are really different from me. It makes me sad when I see you making that choice. But I love you, I believe in you, and I am here from you in this relationship.'" (p. 67)

Teach your children to be seekers of beauty

Spend time with children in nature. Spending quality time is the best way to develop character.

Searching For the Unmet Need

We mistakenly assume that our job as parents is to correct children's behaviour, which it is, but it is much more complex than that. A spanking will correct behaviour but it does not value the child and only leads to obedience out of fear. Discipline means "to teach" it does not mean coerce until you get the behaviour you want. In the short term, punishments seems to work, but it does not address the unmet need that lead to the behaviour in the first place. If a child is acting inappropriately, we would be wise to peel back the layers to discover what unmet need the child is dealing with. When we can help them work through what their needs are, we can help them meet those needs appropriately. It is love that leads to repentance. Parenting this way can be a lot more work in the beginning, but the character that develops as a result is well worth it. You will have a child who values others, leads by example, teaches others with love, values others feelings and opinions and cherishes his of her family. Love transforms households and even nations.

Let God's Peace Fill Your Home

Resources

Some wonderful resources for Grace based parenting include:

• Resources from HeartMath (online)
• Culture of Honor by Danny Silk
• Loving Your Kids On Purpose by Danny Silk
• Grace Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel
• The Whole Brain Child by Daniel Siegel
• Family Virtues Guide by Linda Kavelin Popov
• Keep Your Love On by Danny Silk

Loving Our Kids On Purpose

Way To Help Children Grieve

children who grieve

By Dana Goodman

In the Cleft: Joy Comes in the Mourning

Ways to help children grieve

Children usually feel grief and pain in their bodies. After my oldest son died of cancer, my younger son complained about stomach aches and body aches because he was unable to process his deep emotional pain. As parents, we need to know how to move them through pain and trauma so their emotional pain is processed and does not manifest in unhealthy ways later on in life.

I often ask children to draw a heart. I then ask them to give their feelings a colour. After that, I ask them to colour in how much of each feeling they feel in their heart. For example, if there is a lot of sad and sad is blue, they would colour a lot of the heart blue. I will then ask them where they feel the sad in their body. When they show me, I ask them what colour it is, what shape it is and what texture it is. Once they are able to identify it in their body they often feel better. Colouring feelings in the heart is also an excellent way to check in with our children after a long, and often stressful day at school. It makes abstract feelings more concrete.

I also ask traumatized and/or grieving children to share their sad story with me, which helps them process the trauma in the left and the right hemispheres of the brain. If they are afraid to share, I often invite them to use a puppet to share their story. This distances them enough from the trauma that they are then able to tell the story. As they share their story (left brained activity), I will tune into their feelings and name them (right brained activity) so that the trauma is fully processed. If children are non-verbal, they can draw what happened or show me using toys in the sand tray. In order to make sure they don't stay stuck in trauma, I end our activity by having them star breathe, an activity I borrowed from a child therapist named Paris-Goodyear Brown. With a crayon, the child traces a star--as they trace from point to point they practice breathing. When they reach the point of the star, they hold their breath for three, breathe out as they go to the next point, hold, and then breathe in again as they go to the next point. I then give them star glow in the dark stickers to place on their roof above their bed to help remember how to breathe so they feel calm before they sleep. As the child learns to breathe properly, the muscle memory relaxes and the amygdala (the part of the brain that scans for danger) begins to relax. After processing traumatic events, the child can create a container to hold their painful feelings until the next time we meet. I may also ask them to create a painting of their peaceful place where they can go to rest if life gets too hard. In this place, they are invited to imagine what they smell, taste, feel and do in their peaceful spot.

Some books I have found the most helpful for children grieving are Badger's Parting Gifts, Tear Soup, The Moon Balloon, The Fall of Freddie the Leaf, Gentle Willow, Grief Is Like a Snowflake, and When the Wind Stops.

Helpful books to help parents understand childhood trauma are Trauma Through A Child's Eyes, by Peter Lavine and Creative Interventions For Bereaved Children by Liana Lowenstein.

To read more on my grief journey and how I coped with the loss of my husband and son to cancer, you can read my newly released book, In the Cleft: Joy Comes in the Mourning, which is now available at Amazon and Barnes and Noblehttp://www.barnesandnoble.com/sample/read/9781498408745

Inner Reflections Of the Heart

By Dana Goodman

A Poem by Ralph Waldo Emerson

Write it on your heart

That every day is the best day of the year.

He is rich who owns the day, and no one owns the day

Who allows it to be invaded with fret and anxiety.

Finish ever day and be done with it.

You have done what you could.

Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in.

Forget them as soon as you can, tomorrow is a new day;

Begin it well and serenely, with too high a spirit

To be cumbered with your old nonsense.

This new day is too dear,

With its hopes and invitations,

To waste a moment on the yesterdays.

Gratefulness

My dog is grateful for everything--her walk, me, the stranger meandering up the trail, the squirrel bounding across the trail. She is in the moment, not thinking about the past or the future. She just loves now, this moment with me running with her along familiar trails.

The further we get down the trail, the more I can feel life's sorrows, disappointments and confusions disappearing. The wrestling matches in my heart give way to the serenity around me and I want to pause, reflect and just be in the presence of God.

Too Much Time Focusing On How I Have Failed

I am aware of how much I focus on the things I have messed up at in life--how I have yelled at the kids, snapped at the dog, given someone a dirty look because they have tried my patience, and times I have just been down-right miserable. I am so glad for the new day that gives me a do over. Each day is new. Each day I will lose my way and take side trips down roads of anxiety about conflicts, health, my children and my relationships, but I know, in God's mercy, he restores those broken bits back to health so I can find the beauty in the every day. He loves me too much to allow me to guilt beat myself with "what ifs."

I have met my worst fears as my husband, son and mother-in-law died of cancer all within eight years. I have lived through tragedy, and am now a kinder, humbler and more patient person. I have also learned to be patient with my shortcomings and more thankful for the ordinary moments in life. Pain has a way of putting priorities in the right order. Love becomes the focus of day to day encounters and material things are of lesser importance.

Nature has a way of healing the rough spots

Being Joy-Filled

As my run comes to an end, I feel lighter, happier and less burdened with my many faults. In spite of life's twists and turns I know God is with me and he will teach me to glean happiness no matter what my circumstances may be. God has drawn me with lovingkindness. He has build me up again and I will be rebuilt. I will take up my tambourine and go out to dance with the joyful. (Jer. 31:3-4).

In the Cleft: Joy Comes in the Mourning

Source: A Story of undying hope

A Story of Hope After Tragedy

A mother shares her remarkable story about how she found joy after unbearable tragedy

In the Cleft: Joy Comes in the Mourning

 Buy Now

Mourning the Loss of a Child

By Dana Goodman

Mourning Well

We live in what Alan Wolfelt calls, "a mourning avoidant culture." Often people try and hide the depths of their pain behind veils that make others think somehow they are doing OK when in fact, they are dying inside. Afraid of the emotional rip tide churning within, people often self-medicate in the hopes of numbing their pain. Sadly, the trauma wound festers and becomes toxic to the soul because it has not been attended to. When people grieve appropriately and experience a range of emotions such as depression, anxiety, fear, despair and even suicidal ideation people mistakenly think that person is not doing well, when in fact they are leaning into a very important process. What they are experiencing is what we would expect someone to feel when they have lost someone they deeply love and their life has been torn into pieces.

Leaning into pain is counterintuitive. But as Alan Wolfelt explains in his book, Eight Critical Questions For Mourners...And The Answers That Will Help You Heal,"Befriending [grief emotions] is what makes it possible to experience, eventually, a sense of renewed meaning and purpose in your life. Yet the emotions you sometimes most want to avoid are the ones you most need to attend to."

As a grief counsellor, and as a mother who has lost a child, I have seen the effects of not leaning into pain. Life becomes joyless. A numbed heart comes at a great cost. Although it may seem you have effectively anesthetized your heart, eventually you realize you are more dead then alive, because joy, hope and a rich life have been numbed as well. A robotic way of living chokes out intimacy, love, compassion and joy.

When we mourn well, the wasteland of pain does eventually get turned into a rich and beautiful garden. Ambushes of pain still visit frequently, but eventually what seemed forever dead starts to revive. Given permission to grieve fully and richly, seeds start to grow in that garden again. The weeds get tended to so that flowers again bloom and the desert places of the heart become whole once again. We will never be the same again after we loose someone we love, but we can live again.

Alan Wolfelt makes a distinction between grieving and mourning. Grief is what we feel on the inside, while mourning is the expression of that grief. Grief becomes mourning when we can share our experience. In his book Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas, he shares some ways people can move from grief to mourning:

• Let your journey be what it is. And let yourself--your new, grieving self--be who you are p. 4
• Reach out to someone who does not try to take your pain and sense of loss away. p. 6
• Brainstorm a list of memories or characteristics of the person who died and write as fast as you can for 10 minutes (p. 7)
• Write a response to this prompt: I used to be_____. Now that _____died, I am_____. This makes me feel_________ p. 8
• Write out a list of "why" questions that have come up since the death p. 9
• Write a letter to the person who died telling her how you feel since she is gone. What is miss about you most is_________. What I wish I had said or hadn't said is__________. What's hardest for me now is_________. What I would like to ask you is__________. I'm keeping my memories of you alive by__________. p. 17 Read the letter out loud at the cemetery or a special place you spread the ashes.

I would highly recommend Alan Wolfelt's books on grieving.

To find out about my own process of mourning, you can purchase my book In the Cleft: Joy Comes in the Mourning from Amazon, Barnes and Noble and most christian bookstores. You can find out more on my website at www.danagoodmaninthecleft.com

Beauty comes from mourning

Take time to mourn today for life losses

Make a cup of your favourite tea and take ten minutes to think about what you miss about your loved one

Alan Wolfelt

"I don't have to go in search of the pain of grief--it finds me. It's when I deny or insulate myself from the pain of the loss that I shut down. Ironically, it is in being open to the pain that I move through it to renewed living"

Nature Heals

John Muir

"Climb the mountains to get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves."

A Beautiful Example Of Mourning