Mourning the Loss of a Child

By Dana Goodman

Mourning Well

We live in what Alan Wolfelt calls, "a mourning avoidant culture." Often people try and hide the depths of their pain behind veils that make others think somehow they are doing OK when in fact, they are dying inside. Afraid of the emotional rip tide churning within, people often self-medicate in the hopes of numbing their pain. Sadly, the trauma wound festers and becomes toxic to the soul because it has not been attended to. When people grieve appropriately and experience a range of emotions such as depression, anxiety, fear, despair and even suicidal ideation people mistakenly think that person is not doing well, when in fact they are leaning into a very important process. What they are experiencing is what we would expect someone to feel when they have lost someone they deeply love and their life has been torn into pieces.

Leaning into pain is counterintuitive. But as Alan Wolfelt explains in his book, Eight Critical Questions For Mourners...And The Answers That Will Help You Heal,"Befriending [grief emotions] is what makes it possible to experience, eventually, a sense of renewed meaning and purpose in your life. Yet the emotions you sometimes most want to avoid are the ones you most need to attend to."

As a grief counsellor, and as a mother who has lost a child, I have seen the effects of not leaning into pain. Life becomes joyless. A numbed heart comes at a great cost. Although it may seem you have effectively anesthetized your heart, eventually you realize you are more dead then alive, because joy, hope and a rich life have been numbed as well. A robotic way of living chokes out intimacy, love, compassion and joy.

When we mourn well, the wasteland of pain does eventually get turned into a rich and beautiful garden. Ambushes of pain still visit frequently, but eventually what seemed forever dead starts to revive. Given permission to grieve fully and richly, seeds start to grow in that garden again. The weeds get tended to so that flowers again bloom and the desert places of the heart become whole once again. We will never be the same again after we loose someone we love, but we can live again.

Alan Wolfelt makes a distinction between grieving and mourning. Grief is what we feel on the inside, while mourning is the expression of that grief. Grief becomes mourning when we can share our experience. In his book Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas, he shares some ways people can move from grief to mourning:

• Let your journey be what it is. And let yourself--your new, grieving self--be who you are p. 4
• Reach out to someone who does not try to take your pain and sense of loss away. p. 6
• Brainstorm a list of memories or characteristics of the person who died and write as fast as you can for 10 minutes (p. 7)
• Write a response to this prompt: I used to be_____. Now that _____died, I am_____. This makes me feel_________ p. 8
• Write out a list of "why" questions that have come up since the death p. 9
• Write a letter to the person who died telling her how you feel since she is gone. What is miss about you most is_________. What I wish I had said or hadn't said is__________. What's hardest for me now is_________. What I would like to ask you is__________. I'm keeping my memories of you alive by__________. p. 17 Read the letter out loud at the cemetery or a special place you spread the ashes.

I would highly recommend Alan Wolfelt's books on grieving.

To find out about my own process of mourning, you can purchase my book In the Cleft: Joy Comes in the Mourning from Amazon, Barnes and Noble and most christian bookstores. You can find out more on my website at www.danagoodmaninthecleft.com

Beauty comes from mourning

Take time to mourn today for life losses

Make a cup of your favourite tea and take ten minutes to think about what you miss about your loved one

Alan Wolfelt

"I don't have to go in search of the pain of grief--it finds me. It's when I deny or insulate myself from the pain of the loss that I shut down. Ironically, it is in being open to the pain that I move through it to renewed living"

Nature Heals

John Muir

"Climb the mountains to get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves."

A Beautiful Example Of Mourning