Free Sample Chapter 1-4 of In the Cleft

About Me

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Speaker, author and grief counsellor Dana Goodman lives in Kamloops British Columbia. Dana has a passion for helping people navigate through their grief journeys. Her memoir, In the Cleft Joy Comes in the Mourning, written four years after the deaths of her husband, son and mother-in-law to cancer, recently won top novel at the Wildsound Writing Festival in January. Dana's heart's desire is that In the Cleft will help her readers embrace their own profound losses and find hope in the midst of their pain. Renewal, meaning and purpose can be unearthed even after unthinkable tragedy. Dana loves being outside with her family and especially loves mountain biking, running and listening to worship music. She feels content in her everyday life if she has read an inspiring story, connected with her husband, son and friends and spent time in the outdoors with her dog.

Friday, February 20, 2015

Don't Let Fear Run Your Life

Don't Let Fear Run Your Life

By Dana Goodman

Love

Love is the most powerful thing in the universe. It covers over wrongs, finds the treasure in people, and makes people want to be better people. When our children do something wrong we must connect with them before we correct their behaviour. Correcting behaviour cannot come at the cost of relationship. Even if our children do something outrageous, we must first tell them something like, "I know your character, and you are too good to be (fill in the blank). That way, they feel loved, yet know their behaviour is inappropriate. After this, invite them to brainstorm ways to correct the problem. Just punishing behaviour does not lead to correction. It just makes them better at not getting caught. We have to correct in a way that leads to intrinsic changes in behaviour. One of the best books I used with my children when they were younger was The Family Virtues Guide.We would sit down together and study a virtue each week.

Faith vs Fear

Hebrews 11:1 says, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Faith and hope are tied together. Both have to do with unseen realities. Faith says that we trust God has great plans for our children and our lives. Faith promises that God will direct our paths with his wisdom and love. Faith is letting go of fear so life can be lived fully and richly. When our lives are preoccupied with fear, there is no room for mistakes, uncertainty or any messiness whatsoever. Fear chokes out life. Faith is not dependant on anything you or I must do because God knows we will inevitably mess up. Faith means we trust that God wants the best for our children, so when we bring them to him during their struggles and challenges, he touches their hearts and lives so they can go on to fulfill his wonderful plans in their lives. Just like God is merciful to us when we make mistakes, we too must be merciful to our children.

Keep Your Love On by Danny Silk

Danny Silk advocates establishing a household of honour. I love his quote in his book Keep Your Love On, "Honour allows us to keep high levels of value for and faith in people, even when they demonstrate how different they are and when they make mistakes. Typically, people allow differences and mistakes to lower their respect and value for other people. But you know the pillar of honour is strong in a relationship when you can look at the other person and say, 'You are really different from me. It makes me sad when I see you making that choice. But I love you, I believe in you, and I am here from you in this relationship.'" (p. 67)

Teach your children to be seekers of beauty

Spend time with children in nature. Spending quality time is the best way to develop character.
Spend time with children in nature. Spending quality time is the best way to develop character.

Searching For the Unmet Need

We mistakenly assume that our job as parents is to correct children's behaviour, which it is, but it is much more complex than that. A spanking will correct behaviour but it does not value the child and only leads to obedience out of fear. Discipline means "to teach" it does not mean coerce until you get the behaviour you want. In the short term, punishments seems to work, but it does not address the unmet need that lead to the behaviour in the first place. If a child is acting inappropriately, we would be wise to peel back the layers to discover what unmet need the child is dealing with. When we can help them work through what their needs are, we can help them meet those needs appropriately. It is love that leads to repentance. Parenting this way can be a lot more work in the beginning, but the character that develops as a result is well worth it. You will have a child who values others, leads by example, teaches others with love, values others feelings and opinions and cherishes his of her family. Love transforms households and even nations.

Let God's Peace Fill Your Home

Resources

Some wonderful resources for Grace based parenting include:
  • Resources from HeartMath (online)
  • Culture of Honor by Danny Silk
  • Loving Your Kids On Purpose by Danny Silk
  • Grace Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel
  • The Whole Brain Child by Daniel Siegel
  • Family Virtues Guide by Linda Kavelin Popov
  • Keep Your Love On by Danny Silk

Loving Our Kids On Purpose

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